Sunday, January 8, 2012


My hesitation to blog came from a few various places. First off because it will confirm for many of you how batshit crazy I am.. second because exposing myself in any way that cannot be misinterpreted scares the hell out of me. I think that's one reason I generally choose poetry. That is a form of writing that is entirely based on readers perceptions. So chances are if you read my poems and think I may be slightly insane, then well, so are you.
I decided to go ahead with very little persuasion, determining that I may as well put some of the bouncing balls in my brain down on paper. (screen? see I'm new to this..)

Get ready for spirals of thoughts and run on sentences..

My question today is: When you know the answers to your questions, why do you still do all of the research? Or worse, act in a way that would make it appear to everyone on the outside that u are just drowning in naivety? Why do we do things that we know are bad for us? 

Sometimes, we do those things while in denial of the consequences, because we just feel safe where we are. Even if the place that we are in is, in reality, the most dangerous place to be. We find comfort in familiarity. Change is scary, even after experiencing it so many times and surviving or better yet FLYING after finding acceptance of it. Why do we fall so easily into the confines of situations that we cannot escape from? 

I can SAY that one of my commitments to myself is that next time I get into a situation or relationship that needs to change, I will have the strength and the drive to do so quickly, without allowing time to pass and wounds to grow deeper. One problem is that I know for a fact that I cannot do so in my own strength. But for many solid reasons, am having trouble reaching out to the One that I know I need in order to go forward. Another circumstance that makes no sense to the human brain.. why would we ever run from an all-knowing, all-loving God that controls everything? 

I am so blind. I am aware of my condition. Yet I have been awake today for 8.5 hours and have done absolutely nothing to change.

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