Monday, April 2, 2012

Collaboration

I lay here at night staring up at the ceiling cause nights the only time where I can't run from what I'm feeling this thud thud pounding resounding in my chest I cling to the pulpit praying for eternal rest
Because restless I lay here weighed down by my baggage, looking to you to strip me of my damage. One look from you and I will be renewed.. One touch of your robe and these thoughts will come unglued from my mind, the pain inside will cease, as I sit at your feet.. As I look into your eyes, I'll find my peace. 

Written with Natalie Mejias

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Humbled

Who was I to tell you
what I would or would not do
Feeling as though I was at my end
without an ounce of strength left
You saw that I was struggling
and knew the mess I was in
You knew what the battle was
When all I saw was sin
I was crying out for help
with a desperate plea
Knowing I wasn’t living right
but not wanting to flee
Loving how it felt
to play with the lust
Tampering with destruction
and turning into dust
He tempted me with false love
This angel of light
Over and over again I fell
and over and over I had to fight
He creeps in corridors
and hides in small places
Hoping we won’t see him
and waiting for us to embrace it
Scales falling from my eyes
and now it’s all so clear
I was a captive soldier on the field
But because I’ll fight, Victory is here

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

By Myself

Why do I hand my trust
Over to the lust of protection
Needing hands to cover me
Holding me together
Piece by piece
until I see that you don’t
Have what I need
But you are the opposite
Struggling to find
something to pass the time
thinking you’re a safe place
only leaves me in danger
Only one can be the glue
to piece me back
If I allow this to happen
I will be made whole
No longer needing you
or anyone else
Whole together by myself
Holding it together
By myself is all I need
By myself will set me free
By myself is healing

Distraction

Green pastures peacefully
aligning to the nature of
futures aligned and designed
to stay together or split apart
I know that One is never far
no matter what we are
Even if I don’t know truth
when it comes to you
Even if I don’t know intentions
motives or decisions of my future
Blindly believing you plainly
is ignorance in bliss
A cycle of misplaced trust
Love being something that
is only genuine when unselfish
means that you can only Love yourself
Chemistry becoming  infatuation
seeming like something to be
worthwhile, creating  Smiles
while only distracting and destroying
 Qualities of familiar behavior
Kindly leading me to believe
that you care while only
goading me along with your stare
Stirring me with your smile
keeping me here awhile
while I know that there is
somewhere else
I need to be

Sunday, February 19, 2012

A Letter To My Past

A letter to my past
Needs to be written
From start to finish
The ink cannot linger
On the page
This letter needs to
Say goodbye
One final time
To life I knew
The life you stole
From inside me
The magic you polluted
With your unjust sins
Will be purified once again
Once this letter is written
Saying goodbye to all the times
You opened my eyes
Then made me cry
To all the times
You sold me your dream
I was an actor in your story
Where you get all the glory
I was a tool for you to use
Submitted to your abuse
While playing my part

This place has always been
Magic to me
A place to come alive
With creativity
A place I could dwell
And feel at peace
And then you came
And brought your disease

I refuse to allow that
Any longer
As I reclaim my life
And reclaim my honor
You can not steal
This place from me
This place that holds
So many dreams
So many memories
So many tears

I will reclaim my life
And everything
I am entitled to
You called this city your own
But I am taking it back

No Apologies

If you think I’ve changed
This is actually me
Staying the same
And winning the game
Never again will I mold myself
Into something I feel is necessary
To keep someone’s love
Striving for false perfection
Everything I now am is
Everything I’ve been
So while you were lost
It was a win
My past is a part of me and
Made me who I am
I have no shame in my memories
Fragile they are not
Success and Mistakes
Are one in the same
Whether they bring happiness or pain
Bitterness loyalty or shame
My history is my strength
The evidence of my weakness
Memories of victimizing myself
Are a reminder of my worth

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Bonding

Sorry for the wait
I wasted good thoughts,
pillaged deep needs and
struck out before I got to run
Run from this tragedy
That has become my world
broken and breaking
while fitting the mold
She counts the cost in green bills
I count in pennies, we fought with
fists, they fought with riddles
Racing wreck less and free
hiding from me
while swerving and ducking
her battles

Lingering

Whispering to you
Letting you remember
Without a touch or a word
But only a memory
One you cannot escape
Because it always preys
Upon you at your weakest moments
Sorry I visit every so often
Just to remind you
Of everything you’ve lost
Letting you feel
While allowing myself to heal
You try to run but
I will not allow it
I have captured you
And will not let go
You need to remember
All that you had
Things that you damaged
Along your path
That path of destruction
That leaves you wondering
If you took the wrong road.

Shattered

I feel safe in your arms and so free from harm yet when I think about all the possibilities it causes me alarm because I've given it all to you and there is no turning back I have made my decision and this is a fact there is no doubt in my mind that I know what I want yet why do I want something that may never come true I guess this is what desire is waiting for you to make up your mind and baby we'll shine baby we'll find our destiny together no matter the weather after this storm nothing can touch us through thick and thin no matter what mess we're in if we come out of this I know we'll make it through anything together now there is no me without you there is no you without me I know that you see this so why are you running why are you holding back half of your heart from me when I know you see all we are made for and all we can be together forever just you and me and nothing else will matter all of our doubts will be shattered with the reality of knowing that I have you and you have me and we will never ever let this go because we both know that we were always meant to be and we will always have each other and look at no other no nothing can break us....

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Provoke Me

When I find love
I want it to provoke me
I want it to cloak me
In comfort and security
So I can fly high 
Flowing with the gifts
That easily get hidden
In a lovers shadow

When I find love
I want it to inspire me
I want it to empower me
I want it to lift me up
As high as the trees
So I can feel the breeze
Hear the leaves
Feeling so free
When I find love
I want it to tingle
I want it to mingle
With me throughout the day
So it's never far away
Because I carry it in me

Eden

Adding more skeletons
To this closet of mine
Loving you
While I pass the time
Forbidden sacred 
Is the fruit that I eat
In a forest of love
Plucked from the trees

Monday, January 30, 2012

Ramblings

Can I take responsibility for you
Or your choices
How much weight do mine play
Because if I listen to the voices
Telling me I'm ruining you
wrecking you for life
Responsibility is Mine
But for now all I want
is to continue to make
memories that will haunt

Playing every day
In the playground of my heart
Your love is a swingset
& I was High from the start

The place that I am in
Leaves me battling my dreams
Because lately it seems
Like I am not worthy

Can I open my mouth
and speak Truth
while the life I live
is of a rebellious youth

Can I reach those
who are calling out
Or will I watch them Cry
Will I watch them Die
As I Walk By
Living My life
Taking care of me
Feeling so free
But holding the key
That others need
Isn't really free.. at all

Who am I bonded to
If its not Him
It's Me
And I can't do it alone
He's Everything
The words that I speak
The message that I teach
The love that I feel
That allows you to heal
Is carried by me
Only if I allow it.
Like a doctor on hiatus
Who knows the cure
But is taking time
Before being pure
Is grace really all
That I need
In order to be able to speak
Or are there sacrifices that need
to be made
When will I make them
Don't want it to be too late
While I sit and wait
to be ready

The alarm is sounding
upon deaf ears
Those who heard it
for so many years
Are Weary
The alarm is sounding
and we are numb
After drowning in Hope
and finding a different outcome
Then the one we expected
The one we devoted ourselves to.
The soldiers are weary
The alarm is sounding
and we're beaten by the battle
Death Creeping In
and Lying in our Shadows

Who comes to the aid
of the lost ones
Who holds the map
To help us find our way home
Or do we need to look
Inside ourselves
To find which way to go
Answers can only be given
After questions are asked
So if no one is searching
How long will we last
Laying on the battlefield
After years of crying
Years of hoping
Years of waiting
There is only One
who sustains
One who remains
One who stays
One who prays
Holding us while we
reject Him
Holding us while we
neglect Him
Holding us and whispering
Just
Come
Home

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Message Returned To Sender

An expression of Anger to a friend written 3 years ago, I can still feel the rage in it:

I can see right through your master plans and ulterior motives. you tell me you love me but why don't you show it? been around enough to know this: people can say a lot of things but that doesn't mean that when real life goes down that they will stay in between. Everyone takes a side, saying they stand in the gap. But without a foundation you will crack.. sometimes its easier to run and easier to hide- easier to tell yourself all these lies, that theres nothing you can do, when it was all about you. Choices we make and choices we live with- don't put on a mask and try to play a different role now, you made your bed, now act the part. Don't run to me now that its hurting your heart- now that you see that you chose to leave me. Now that you feel, all the guilt creeping in. You can look at me and blame it all on my sin, but the reality is that you walked away. I've been here- your the one that didn't stay. So don't look at me and place all the blame. I'm not the one thats going to be living with shame. That shame is yours for walking away- As long as I know that I never strayed, I can stand and I can move forward and hold my head tall, because not even you can make me feel small. Not even when you try to use condemnation, knowing full well the choices your making. You can't say that your not choosing sides, then look at me with shame in your eyes.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Intro

My hesitation to blog came from a few various places. First off because it will confirm for many of you how batshit crazy I am.. second because exposing myself in any way that cannot be misinterpreted scares the hell out of me. I think that's one reason I generally choose poetry. That is a form of writing that is entirely based on readers perceptions. So chances are if you read my poems and think I may be slightly insane, then well, so are you.
I decided to go ahead with very little persuasion, determining that I may as well put some of the bouncing balls in my brain down on paper. (screen? see I'm new to this..)


Get ready for spirals of thoughts and run on sentences..


My question today is: When you know the answers to your questions, why do you still do all of the research? Or worse, act in a way that would make it appear to everyone on the outside that u are just drowning in naivety? Why do we do things that we know are bad for us? 


Sometimes, we do those things while in denial of the consequences, because we just feel safe where we are. Even if the place that we are in is, in reality, the most dangerous place to be. We find comfort in familiarity. Change is scary, even after experiencing it so many times and surviving or better yet FLYING after finding acceptance of it. Why do we fall so easily into the confines of situations that we cannot escape from? 


I can SAY that one of my commitments to myself is that next time I get into a situation or relationship that needs to change, I will have the strength and the drive to do so quickly, without allowing time to pass and wounds to grow deeper. One problem is that I know for a fact that I cannot do so in my own strength. But for many solid reasons, am having trouble reaching out to the One that I know I need in order to go forward. Another circumstance that makes no sense to the human brain.. why would we ever run from an all-knowing, all-loving God that controls everything? 


I am so blind. I am aware of my condition. Yet I have been awake today for 8.5 hours and have done absolutely nothing to change.