Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Provoke Me

When I find love
I want it to provoke me
I want it to cloak me
In comfort and security
So I can fly high 
Flowing with the gifts
That easily get hidden
In a lovers shadow

When I find love
I want it to inspire me
I want it to empower me
I want it to lift me up
As high as the trees
So I can feel the breeze
Hear the leaves
Feeling so free
When I find love
I want it to tingle
I want it to mingle
With me throughout the day
So it's never far away
Because I carry it in me

Eden

Adding more skeletons
To this closet of mine
Loving you
While I pass the time
Forbidden sacred 
Is the fruit that I eat
In a forest of love
Plucked from the trees

Monday, January 30, 2012

Ramblings

Can I take responsibility for you
Or your choices
How much weight do mine play
Because if I listen to the voices
Telling me I'm ruining you
wrecking you for life
Responsibility is Mine
But for now all I want
is to continue to make
memories that will haunt

Playing every day
In the playground of my heart
Your love is a swingset
& I was High from the start

The place that I am in
Leaves me battling my dreams
Because lately it seems
Like I am not worthy

Can I open my mouth
and speak Truth
while the life I live
is of a rebellious youth

Can I reach those
who are calling out
Or will I watch them Cry
Will I watch them Die
As I Walk By
Living My life
Taking care of me
Feeling so free
But holding the key
That others need
Isn't really free.. at all

Who am I bonded to
If its not Him
It's Me
And I can't do it alone
He's Everything
The words that I speak
The message that I teach
The love that I feel
That allows you to heal
Is carried by me
Only if I allow it.
Like a doctor on hiatus
Who knows the cure
But is taking time
Before being pure
Is grace really all
That I need
In order to be able to speak
Or are there sacrifices that need
to be made
When will I make them
Don't want it to be too late
While I sit and wait
to be ready

The alarm is sounding
upon deaf ears
Those who heard it
for so many years
Are Weary
The alarm is sounding
and we are numb
After drowning in Hope
and finding a different outcome
Then the one we expected
The one we devoted ourselves to.
The soldiers are weary
The alarm is sounding
and we're beaten by the battle
Death Creeping In
and Lying in our Shadows

Who comes to the aid
of the lost ones
Who holds the map
To help us find our way home
Or do we need to look
Inside ourselves
To find which way to go
Answers can only be given
After questions are asked
So if no one is searching
How long will we last
Laying on the battlefield
After years of crying
Years of hoping
Years of waiting
There is only One
who sustains
One who remains
One who stays
One who prays
Holding us while we
reject Him
Holding us while we
neglect Him
Holding us and whispering
Just
Come
Home

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Message Returned To Sender

An expression of Anger to a friend written 3 years ago, I can still feel the rage in it:

I can see right through your master plans and ulterior motives. you tell me you love me but why don't you show it? been around enough to know this: people can say a lot of things but that doesn't mean that when real life goes down that they will stay in between. Everyone takes a side, saying they stand in the gap. But without a foundation you will crack.. sometimes its easier to run and easier to hide- easier to tell yourself all these lies, that theres nothing you can do, when it was all about you. Choices we make and choices we live with- don't put on a mask and try to play a different role now, you made your bed, now act the part. Don't run to me now that its hurting your heart- now that you see that you chose to leave me. Now that you feel, all the guilt creeping in. You can look at me and blame it all on my sin, but the reality is that you walked away. I've been here- your the one that didn't stay. So don't look at me and place all the blame. I'm not the one thats going to be living with shame. That shame is yours for walking away- As long as I know that I never strayed, I can stand and I can move forward and hold my head tall, because not even you can make me feel small. Not even when you try to use condemnation, knowing full well the choices your making. You can't say that your not choosing sides, then look at me with shame in your eyes.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Intro

My hesitation to blog came from a few various places. First off because it will confirm for many of you how batshit crazy I am.. second because exposing myself in any way that cannot be misinterpreted scares the hell out of me. I think that's one reason I generally choose poetry. That is a form of writing that is entirely based on readers perceptions. So chances are if you read my poems and think I may be slightly insane, then well, so are you.
I decided to go ahead with very little persuasion, determining that I may as well put some of the bouncing balls in my brain down on paper. (screen? see I'm new to this..)


Get ready for spirals of thoughts and run on sentences..


My question today is: When you know the answers to your questions, why do you still do all of the research? Or worse, act in a way that would make it appear to everyone on the outside that u are just drowning in naivety? Why do we do things that we know are bad for us? 


Sometimes, we do those things while in denial of the consequences, because we just feel safe where we are. Even if the place that we are in is, in reality, the most dangerous place to be. We find comfort in familiarity. Change is scary, even after experiencing it so many times and surviving or better yet FLYING after finding acceptance of it. Why do we fall so easily into the confines of situations that we cannot escape from? 


I can SAY that one of my commitments to myself is that next time I get into a situation or relationship that needs to change, I will have the strength and the drive to do so quickly, without allowing time to pass and wounds to grow deeper. One problem is that I know for a fact that I cannot do so in my own strength. But for many solid reasons, am having trouble reaching out to the One that I know I need in order to go forward. Another circumstance that makes no sense to the human brain.. why would we ever run from an all-knowing, all-loving God that controls everything? 


I am so blind. I am aware of my condition. Yet I have been awake today for 8.5 hours and have done absolutely nothing to change.